How to Not Kill Yourself with a Cauldron
by Agent44
Summary: A basic guide to safety within the potions classroom of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, as originally written by Professor Severus Snape in the hopes of lessening some of the major accidents that occur on a yearly basis.


I highly disagree with the fans who assume Snape is a good person. He's not- he's bitter, vengeful, hateful, and a lot of other words that end in -ful. He may have pulled a few grudgingly noble deeds, and he's not exactly a _villain_, but that doesn't mean he'd be nice if given a chance and a half, and it doesn't mean he's not a sarcastic , you have to have pity on the man for having to deal with children who are placed into what is essentially a chemistry class with sharp objects, volatile ingredients, and absolutely no prior training. Yes, he's not a nice person and maybe scaring the crap out of his students isn't exactly conductive to learning, but it keeps his students in line and focussed on their work. I don't even need to get into a rant about lab safety, do I?

In short, we are given no indications that there are any sort of safety lessons students have to pass before they are _forced_ to take a rather dangerous class for five years, or even any lectures or assignments on safety in said class. So I said, what if there _was_ a safety guide? What sort of accidents might it talk about, other than melting cauldrons?

Because Snape is such a lovely sarcastic git, I tried to write it in his voice. I don't know how well I succeeded because honestly I've never tried anything like it before, but it sounds like something he'd publish, right?

* * *

How to Not Kill Yourself with a Cauldron

By Professor Severus Snape

With this simple instruction manual, I am hoping that I will finally manage to drive the proper safety precautions that must be observed in a potions lab into your thick skulls. I have taken the time to provide you dunderheads with this manual, going over the most common errors made in my classroom, as well as telling you ungrateful brats how to fix these errors in the future. I suggest a close scrutiny of the following pages if you expect to survive to the end-of-year exams.

1) The first rule of brewing potions is quite simple. Keep your cauldron and your station clean. Your professor does not have the time nor the inclination to do this for you. House elves, no matter how wonderful they may be about cleaning up after mundane messes, are not to be trusted with your potions equipment, as they are a third party and likely have no idea what disasters you idiots have managed to create. You are far more likely to explode your cauldron if there is residue from another potion in it. Likewise, residue left on your work surfaces and implements can affect the ingredients before you add them, with unexpected consequences.

2) Recipes were created for a reason; so the next brewer can get the same results as the original brewer. Recipes, however many magical ingredients they may contain, do _not_ count as magic, and must therefore be followed carefully as they will _not_ do your work for you. Some of you may be insulted to find that the recipes provided will not discriminate amongst you due to reputations, celebrity, or jumped-up egos. Unfortunately, I find it my duty to remind you that you still have to do your work and pay attention in class.

3) Students are expected to conduct themselves appropriately at all times. No roughhousing of any sort should make its way within the doors of the classroom. It is beyond my measure to fathom why students so enthusiastically participate in such misdemeanors in an environment filled with glass, sharp objects, and volatile potions that can be interrupted easily. Putting ingredients into another's cauldron is a surefire way to cause an explosion, as is taunting them into an argument so they lose their concentration. Such taunting will undoubtedly cause you to lose your own concentration as well. I should not even need to mention the dangers of getting into a physical altercation in such a situation.

4) Knives and glassware should be handled with caution. The fact that this factor of common sense that is taught to all children is relegated to the fourth slot in my text is a remarkable display of the intelligence of my target audience. Why idiots such as the lot I have to teach every year should be trusted to handle such implements has long eluded me. Every year students get sent to the hospital wing for easily avoidable cuts and other such injuries. Pressure should be applied sparingly and judiciously, and glassware should remain in your hands or, preferably, in a safe location at all times.

5) Fireworks and other such volatile items shall be kept out of the classroom. Rest assured, I am still looking for the student or students who thought it an amusing prank to include one in another's potion.

6) Keep out of the professor's private storerooms- the ingredients in there are _not_ meant for students. Not only is stealing illegal, none of the potions that can be brewed with the ingredients not in the student cupboards are simple enough for the dunderheads I usually have to teach.

7) Be careful when storing your cauldron and ingredients. Do not cause the shelves to fall on you. How so many students can cause such an event is beyond my measure to fathom.

This should be all. Follow my instructions, and maybe we will send less students to the Hospital Wing in the future. The arrogance of_ certain_ students, who will surely disregard all of the advice I have so generously set down, will undoubtedly cause me enough headaches without having to worry about the average, run-of-the-mill idiots who inhabit my classroom on a daily basis.

* * *

That is all. If anyone ever reads this, I'd appreciate a note; 'good', 'bad', 'you misplaced a comma in sentence x of paragraph y', 'you missed my band christmas concert because you were writing this and forgot' (sorry Nat). But no biggie, I don't really expect anyone to read this anyways.


End file.
